


the only way i'm ever going to make it out is if you carry me

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 18:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8856760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: robert knows aaron like the back of his hand these days, and he knows when he's having a bad day, and most of the time, he knows how to deal with it. in the aftermath of rebecca's comment in the pub, robert helps to pick up aaron's pieces.





	

**Author's Note:**

> as the tags imply, mentions of gordon and the child abuse, but nothing graphic, and the same goes for the self harm.

Robert knew Aaron. He knew what felt like every single thing there was to know about his fiancé - from the way he liked to drink his tea, strong with a dash of milk in the morning and milky with two sugars in the evening, to which shower gel he liked to use (some cheap orange scented one that Robert loved), right down to his (mostly unhealthy) coping mechanisms.

He hadn’t known much about self-harm until Aaron, and even then, back in the beginning, it wasn’t as though he was well educated on the topic. But when they’d gotten back together, after everything with the trial, and Gordon, Robert had looked into it - of course he had, Aaron was his boyfriend and he needed to know how to look out for him.

Aaron never spent longer than ten minutes in the shower. He was a get in and get it done sort of person, and he was only ever in there longer than his usual splash and dash if Robert was with him.

When he’d been in there fifteen minutes, Robert had raised an eyebrow.

The clock had just ticked over to half nine now, and that meant it had been twenty minutes, and the water was still running. 

So now he was worried.

Padding across the hallway, Robert leaned against the bathroom door, knocking loud enough for Aaron to hear, but not loud enough to draw the attention of anyone downstairs. “Aaron?” He called. 

There was no response.

“Aaron, I’m coming in.”

Aaron never remembered to lock the door, and Robert was grateful for it as he pushed down the door handle, stepping into the steam filled bathroom. Aaron was standing under the shower head, water pounding down on his head - his skin was red, the water clearly too hot.

Robert grabbed a tool from the radiator, and crossed the bathroom, ignoring Aaron’s indignant look.

“Can’t I have a shower without you annoying me?” He grumbled, not moving from under the spray. 

Robert reached around his fiancé, shutting the water off with a firm grip, holding out the towel. “Sure, when you’re not trying to scald yourself by standing in here with the water on as hot as it can go for a half an hour.”

Aaron’s face fell, the towel wrapped tightly around his waist. “Don’t.”

“I’m not going to push you, you know I wouldn't.” Robert said, crossing his arms across his chest. He was in his pyjamas, a set Victoria had bought for him - they were blue, and soft, and he knew how much Aaron liked them, whether he said it or not, because every time Robert actually bothered to wear pyjamas and they were these ones, Aaron seemed to hold him a little tighter, wrapping his arms around Robert and burrowing his face in his chest. 

He wasn’t trying to push for that by wearing them. Robert knew he had to be careful on days like today, when Aaron was in his own head and the memories of what his so-called father had done resurfaced.

Sometimes, Aaron wanted to be held while he went through it all, and other days he didn’t. Those were the nights Robert ended up sleeping on their bedroom floor because he didn’t want to run the risk of accidentally touching Aaron during the night, because Aaron always reacted one of two ways - he’d wake up, and he’d cry, and cry, and it would break Robert’s heart in two, or he’d get stuck in a nightmare, one it would take Robert a worrying amount of time to get him back out of, and would signal the end of any chance of sleep for either of them.

Those were the nights Robert found himself making tea at four am (milk, three sugars) and ended up sitting at the foot of their bed, not able to do much except reassure Aaron he was there for him.

_We’re at the Woolpack, Aaron._

_Your mum’s just down the hall._

_I’m here._

_It’s just you and me._

_I’ve got you._

Sometimes he said those phrases so many times they’d lose meaning, but more often than not, they’d have the desired affect, and Aaron would visibly relax, and drink his tea, and they’d pull up some stupid movie on Netflix and they’d lie, inches apart, for hours, waiting for the sun to rise and the next day to begin.

Robert made sure Aaron was following him as he walked back toward their bedroom, reaching into the chest of drawers and looking for clothes for Aaron to sleep in. He set the long sleeved t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms down on the bed, careful not to touch Aaron.

“I’ll be back in a second.” He reassured, padding downstairs.

Liv and Chas were curled up on the couch, Liv half asleep as the two of them watched something on the telly. Chas knew, of course she knew, the second Robert put the kettle on, raising her head to look at him.

“Is he alright?”

“Bad day.” Robert didn’t want to explain any further, reaching for the teabags.

“I told her.” Liv piped up. “What Rebecca said. Sorry if I shouldn’t have.”

Robert leaned against the kitchen counter, waiting for the water to boil. “You did the right thing, Liv.”

“Of course she did.” Chas said, her gaze flickering over to Liv for a second. For all the hassle she could cause, it was clear that Chas did adore the girl. 

“He’ll be okay.” Robert said, returning to his task of making two mugs of tea. Maybe he was saying it out loud to reassure himself more than anything, because sometimes he wondered if Aaron would ever be fully okay again, but those thoughts were fleeting, thoughts from the selfish part of his brain that wanted the Aaron he’d first fell for, the sarky village mechanic with a biting tongue and a smile that did things to Robert.

Thoughts he ignored, because Aaron was still all that and more, and Robert loved every single part of him.

“Don’t stay up too late, Liv.” Robert said, picking up both mugs. “You’ve still got school tomorrow, and next time they want sixty quid from us because you’ve skipped, you can pay it yourself.”

Liv rolled her eyes. “Alright, you absolute _nag_.”

Robert grinned, not bothering to respond. Aaron needed his attention more than Liv did right now, so he ascended the stairs carefully, nudging their bedroom door open with his hip.

Aaron was sitting on the edge of their bed, hunched over on himself. His skin still looked red, and too warm, his hair damp against his forehead. He looked so young, so helpless, and it killed Robert to see - if Gordon wasn’t already dead, these were the sorts of moments where Robert knew he’d have tried to find a way to kill that disgusting man if it meant Aaron could have one night of peace.

Robert passed him his mug, sitting down next to him. Not too close, just in case.

“I know she didn’t know.” Aaron said. “But I’m allowed to react whatever what I want to, because I’m the one who’s got to live with those memories.”

Robert didn’t say a word.

“It made my skin crawl.” Aaron looked across the room, his gaze unfocused. “What she said. I know its a matey thing to joke about, but as soon as she said it - all I could think was my dad raped me, and I got 250,000 pounds out of it.”

“No one thinks that, Aaron.”

“I know. And it’s not like the money is even mine, Liv’s got all of it, and I am glad she does, because she’ll never have to worry about affording a car, or university, or whatever else she might want to do with her life.” Aaron held tightly to the mug, his body tense. “But that’s still how it is.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone about all this, Aaron.” Robert suggested, not sure how to word it. “A counsellor.”

“What good is a counsellor going to do? Because unless they’ve got a way of getting inside my head and getting rid of all those memories, there’s not much they can do.” Aaron snapped.

“Sorry. I just wondered if it would help.”

Aaron looked at him for the first time, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “You know I don’t mean to snap at ya.”

“I know.” Robert reassured. “But I’m trying here, you know.”

“I know.” Aaron echoed. “I know you are. But sometimes I don’t know what might help. Sometimes I wonder if anything ever will.”

Robert’s heart ached. “I’m here for you Aaron. No matter what.”

Aaron inclined his head slightly. “I’m not self harming again. I know you were thinking it.”

“I… I’m not going to pretend like I understand it, Aaron, but I know its a coping mechanism, and today felt like the kind of day you need a coping mechanism. I know you’re not cutting yourself again, but standing under a shower that hot for that long, thats still hurting yourself.”

“I just wanted to feel _clean._ ” Aaron admitted, taking a sip of his now lukewarm tea. “Every time I think about it I just feel dirty, and used - and I hate it.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Aaron didn’t say anything for a second. “You help, you know. More than I think you realise.”

“I’d do anything for you.”

“The Robert you used to be wouldn’t have.”

“Well you’ve got the new and improved version, haven’t ya?” Robert tried to joke, hoping to see Aaron crack some kind of smile.

“Please don’t tell her. Rebecca I mean.” 

“What happened to you isn’t for me to tell, Aaron.” Robert shook his head. “It’s not my place.”

Aaron nodded, setting it now empty mug down on his bedside locker. “Can I have a hug?” He asked, almost embarrassed by his question, looking downcast, and vulnerable, and breaking Robert's heart in fucking two as he sat on their bed, clearly mentally and physically exhausted by the day.

_ God, as if he needed to ask.  _

Robert set his mug down on the floor, reaching out and gathering Aaron into his arms. He was glad this was turning out to be one of the nights where Aaron could stand to be touched, because those were the nights Robert was best at - he could hold him close, and talk absolute nonsense at him until Aaron fell asleep, and he’d watch his fiancé sleep for a while before he drifted off, happy knowing that he was enough to give Aaron the peace to sleep sometimes.

Aaron wrapped his arms around Robert’s middle, pressing his face into Robert’s shoulder, his fingers knotted in the material of Robert’s pyjama top in a way that felt so normal and familiar now.

“I’ve got you.” Robert murmured, his lips pressed against Aaron’s still damp hair. He smelled like Robert’s shampoo, and his heart swelled as he realised that Aaron had intentionally used it over his own that evening.

Aaron’s reply was so quiet he barely heard it, the younger man’s voice muffled by the blue material of Robert’s t-shirt. “I know.”

Robert let out a breath he felt like he’d been holding all night. 

It wasn’t okay. Things weren’t fine, and it would be a long time yet before they were - but they’d get through it.

They always did, him and Aaron.

**Author's Note:**

> i couldn't get this out of my head after last night's episode, and it sort of wrote itself if i'm honest. it's from robert's perspective largely because i genuinely just find his perspective of what aaron is going through the most interesting to write sometimes, it's tough to be the significant other in these situations.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed.


End file.
